Post by Dark Beauty on Dec 8, 2005 15:12:16 GMT -8
Okay... this is to make all of you laugh. Only I can post the laughables in this thread....
[glow=red,2,300]Southern Talk[/glow]
EXCLAMTIONS:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"
THREATS:
"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
COMPLIMENTS:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
THE WEATHER:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
DESCRIPTIONS:
A bothersome person is
"like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say,
"that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's
"like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."
INSULTS:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
[glow=red,2,300]Alcohol Warnings[/glow]
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
[glow=red,2,300]Only in America!!![/glow]
A pizza gets to our house faster than an ambulance.
There are handicap parking places in the front of skating rinks.
Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Banks leave two sets of front doors unlocked and open and then chain their pens to the counter.
We leave cars worth thousand of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
We use answering machines to screen our calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place.
We buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
We use the word "politics" to precisely describe our crazy process: "poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "bloodsucking creatures".
We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
And my personal favorite:
[glow=red,2,300]Guys Vs. Girls[/glow]
You throw a little girl a ball, and it will
probably hit her in the nose.
You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it.
Then it will hit him in the nose.
You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best,
and she'll look just as pretty when you finally
make it to church an hour later.
You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll
somehow find every mud puddle from your home
to the church, even if you're driving there.
Boys' rooms are usually messy.
Girls' rooms are usually messy,
except it's a good smelling mess.
A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in
wonderment at what nature has made.
A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they
like to dress them up and play house with them.
When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls,
they like to tear off their appendages.
Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly.
If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short,
girls would rather lock themselves in their
room for two weeks than be seen in public.
Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting their face.
Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.
If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed.
If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it
with a dozen fake belches.
Boys grow their fingernails long because
they're too lazy to cut them.
Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look
nice -but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age.
At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses.
By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad
kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
Most baby girls talk before boys do.
Before boys talk, they learn how
to make machine-gun noises.
Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie.
Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've
watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
movie three times in a row.
Little girls turn into women.
Little boys turn into bigger boys.
[glow=red,2,300]Southern Talk[/glow]
EXCLAMTIONS:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"
THREATS:
"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
COMPLIMENTS:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
THE WEATHER:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
DESCRIPTIONS:
A bothersome person is
"like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say,
"that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's
"like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."
INSULTS:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
[glow=red,2,300]Alcohol Warnings[/glow]
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
[glow=red,2,300]Only in America!!![/glow]
A pizza gets to our house faster than an ambulance.
There are handicap parking places in the front of skating rinks.
Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Banks leave two sets of front doors unlocked and open and then chain their pens to the counter.
We leave cars worth thousand of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
We use answering machines to screen our calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place.
We buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
We use the word "politics" to precisely describe our crazy process: "poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "bloodsucking creatures".
We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
And my personal favorite:
[glow=red,2,300]Guys Vs. Girls[/glow]
You throw a little girl a ball, and it will
probably hit her in the nose.
You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it.
Then it will hit him in the nose.
You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best,
and she'll look just as pretty when you finally
make it to church an hour later.
You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll
somehow find every mud puddle from your home
to the church, even if you're driving there.
Boys' rooms are usually messy.
Girls' rooms are usually messy,
except it's a good smelling mess.
A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in
wonderment at what nature has made.
A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they
like to dress them up and play house with them.
When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls,
they like to tear off their appendages.
Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly.
If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short,
girls would rather lock themselves in their
room for two weeks than be seen in public.
Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting their face.
Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.
If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed.
If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it
with a dozen fake belches.
Boys grow their fingernails long because
they're too lazy to cut them.
Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look
nice -but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age.
At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses.
By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad
kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
Most baby girls talk before boys do.
Before boys talk, they learn how
to make machine-gun noises.
Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie.
Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've
watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
movie three times in a row.
Little girls turn into women.
Little boys turn into bigger boys.