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Post by Raiku on Feb 3, 2006 19:15:14 GMT -8
I like it, but this part doesnt make sense to me...
But I think it's awesome how you can write like that. You have potential kid.
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Post by Zeffa! on Feb 7, 2006 20:43:53 GMT -8
Have a tune to this song? I think a great tune to the music will bring it all to a new level. The lyrics are already better than many famous bands, (Daikenkai... heh) just need an awesome back-up. Like Graphics and gameplay in a videogame, the two must co-exist or else leave the audience dissatisfied.
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Post by hamstermuncher on Jun 15, 2006 11:56:04 GMT -8
...I like it, but it doesn't make a lot of sense. The sentences are a little too random. Also sometimes it rhymes, but sometimes it doesn't; you have to go one way or the other - a little bit of both just sounds off.
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Post by rikimaru on Jun 15, 2006 12:57:30 GMT -8
They're ok but honestly drawn out alot. If they're really songs those are freaking long xD You can easily condense them all as the theme just repeats itself throughout.
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Post by hamstermuncher on Sept 6, 2006 14:00:57 GMT -8
Feedback? It doesn't talk like a normal person would. Try different words and you need to rephrase some stuff. It sounds too artificial right now...
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Post by hamstermuncher on Sept 6, 2006 16:03:18 GMT -8
? - Oh, I was talking about the last one.
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Post by hamstermuncher on Sept 9, 2006 13:11:26 GMT -8
I just mean the way you wrote it. Try reading it out loud, then think about if you were just talking to someone and giving the same message. Write it as if you were speaking to someone.
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Post by Dark Beauty on Sept 9, 2006 17:37:53 GMT -8
*Laughs* I would post, but they're all so long that I am always out of time to do so.
I really loved "Smile on Your Face..." I think that it is my favorite out of all of them. I also enjoy your last one. It made me laugh.
If you don't mind, I would suggest that you try to read over your poems and get rid of some of the words that you repeat. Many of your poems are really long and drawn out because of redundancy and unnecessary repetition. That's all, though.
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Post by hamstermuncher on Sept 9, 2006 18:26:35 GMT -8
Yay for simplistic rhymers! ((PS - it's licorice, not lickerish... )
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